How to get over a break up

This time of the year can be really hard for many people, relationships are strained and put to the test. The desire for a fresh start in the New Year can often be the catalyst for a break up.

In this post, I share how to get over a break up and heal a broken heart using practical steps and healing rituals.

Although I’ve written this post from the perspective of a relationship breakup. The tips and advice in this post can also be applied to any kind of heart break, loss of a job or career, your dream home or a friendship.

I’ve poured a lot of myself into this post, sharing my own personal experiences. As well as the love I’ve poured into the images throughout this post.

I hope you can feel it, find it comforting and feel less alone if you’re going through any kind of loss or heartbreak right now.

When I rebranded to Curl Maven, I set the intention to make it a modern hair, beauty and wellness brand. And although I specialise in wavy and curly hair, and my content will always focus mainly on that.

I want to create more meaningful content on holistic wellness rituals, tips and advice that I’ve found have really worked for me.

I’ve been through my fair share of break ups – haven’t we all?! Some of them have brought me to my knees, turned my life upside down and shaken me to my very core.

I’ve lost myself, not known who I am anymore or if I’ll ever feel the same or find love again. Or if I even wanted to.

In 2020, after (another) break up and what I can only describe as a “dark night of the soul.” I decided enough was enough.

I couldn’t keep going on like this, carrying so much hurt and pain from one relationship to another, losing a part of myself every time.

How to get over a break up

During 2020, when my heart shattered into a million pieces from the pain and hurt of a break up. The world was in lockdown, which meant I couldn’t go anywhere, or visit friends or family for support or distraction.

I had no other choice but to turn inwards and find healing within myself. I had to put the pieces of myself back together, and in doing so I discovered how to get over a break up.

In the practical steps I share in this post, I truly feel like I’ve discovered the best, healthiest and fastest way to heal from a broken heart. And when you’re going through the pain of a break up, that’s all you want really isn’t it?

How do I stop this feeling, and fast! Because it feels like the pain, the heart ache is going to consume you. You’ll never, ever get over it, this person, or this break up.

When I went on this journey, I remember thinking to myself, “oh…so this is how to get over a break up!” I knew I now had the tools to face a break up again. I knew how to get over a break up, and it felt empowering!

I went through another tough break up in 2021, and instead of spiralling into depression. I applied all the steps and rituals in this post, and guess what? It worked! I knew I had the tools, I knew how to get over a break up. Now I knew it really worked!

You’ve got to feel to heal

The first thing I’ll say when it comes to how to get over a break up, or any difficult or painful emotion, is this: you’ve got to feel to heal. It’s the only way through whatever situation you’re going through.

To come out the other side complete and whole. With all the parts of yourself that may have got lost in the relationship, or got shattered during the break up.

The second thing I’ll say is, the practical exercises, steps and rituals I share in this post aren’t easy. Breakups are hard, and so is the healing.

But to quote Glennon Doyle, “we can do hard things.” Although you may not be able to see it right now, sometimes when it seems like things are falling apart, they’re actually falling into place.

No Going Back

First things first, when did it happen? When did you break up? The reason I ask this, is because of astrology and moon cycles. And if you’re not into that kind of thing, hear me out first.

Eclipse Season happens twice a year, around every six months. They usually come in twos or threes within a few weeks of each other.

Eclipses are non-negotiable game-changers. A time when the plot lines of our lives twist and turn, often unexpectedly, something we didn’t see coming, and beyond our control.

Eclipses are a time to say goodbye and let go of any patterns, relationships, or situations that have run their course. Fulfilled their purpose or are simply no longer meant for you, your highest good or highest purpose.

If something happens on or during an eclipse – there’s no going back! Whatever that situation is – or was – has been irrevocably changed, forever and for good. Period. No arguing, no compromising or negotiating. Definitely no trying to make it work (one last time). It’s done!

Don’t hold hope of working things out, or getting back together. You may not see it now, but it’s the universe’s way of causing a change that you never would have chosen for yourself.

It may not feel like it right now, but it needed to happen, in order to allow for something or someone better to come into your life.

It’s like when you take something away from a child or toddler. They kick, scream, cry and throw a massive tantrum.

But what they don’t realise is you’re just trying to take that thing off them, so you can give them something better. That’s the gift of eclipses!

Often times, if you break up during an eclipse, or four days before or after an eclipse. If you look back, you’ll most likely see (with hindsight) that there’s been warning signs and red flags you may have missed or ignored, over the previous six months.

You may have blown by all those warning signs, only to get hit by a train – often with many, many carriages, at high speed with devastating impact.

Full Moons

Feelings and emotions are also heightened during a full moon. Things can be said or done that often lead to regret later.

It’s a climax of something that’s been building since the new moon, two weeks before. Or the corresponding new moon in the same astrological sign, six months before.

If you broke up on a full moon, or four days before or after. It’s usually a sign that the issues in this relationship have been building for a while, and it’s probably time to let it go.

But it’s my belief that you can come back from a break up during a full moon. That you simply cannot from a break up during an eclipse.

But only if it’s truly the right thing, for both of you. And whatever issues have been brought to light under that full moon, are fully resolved.

5 Step Heartbreak Healing Ritual

I’ve created this five step ritual to heal a broken heart and get over a break up. I recommend you take the time to do these practical exercises and rituals.

They can be applied to any kind of heart break, loss of a job or career, your dream home, friendship or romantic relationship.

Really hold space for yourself, and all the emotions, heartache and feelings that will come up. Because they will, so feel all the feelings in order to heal.

Turn your phone on silent or do not disturb. Change into your pyjamas or comfy clothes. Make yourself a hot chocolate and hot water bottle. Grab a box of tissues, and a pen and paper.

Turn the lights down low and light a candle. Let’s do this, together – I’m here to guide you, and hold space for you. Walking with you on this journey to get over this break up and heal your broken heart.

Perfect Timing

The best time to do these rituals is on a full moon, which anyone can do. Or when you’re on your period.

Both of these times are about releasing and letting go, when emotions are raw and heightened. Allowing you to tap into how you’re feeling, and let it all go.

You can do it any time you want or need to of course. But working with your own cycles, such as a period. Or the cycles of the moon, which rules our emotions, will give the best, most potent and powerful results.

You may not feel ready or able to do all five rituals at once. That’s okay, neither did I. Time is as much of a healer as these rituals are. So take the time you need, be gentle and kind to yourself.

1. Meditation

Tanaaz from Forever Conscious released this Heart Chakra Meditation right around the time I went through that breakup in 2020. It couldn’t have come at a better time, it was everything I didn’t even know I needed.

But most of all, it’s a powerful meditation that brings me to floods of tears every single time! But in the most healing way. You know you’re letting it all out, feelings and emotions that you may have been holding onto for years.

Do this Heart Chakra Meditation at least once, before you begin each of the practical exercises and rituals on how to get over a break up below. But you can do it as many times as you need or want to.

Open a window and light some white sage or palo santo to help you cleanse and release all the feelings and emotions that will come up.

Hold onto a crystal if you have one. Rose quartz or morganite are the best crystals to work with when getting over a break up and healing a broken heart.

Both are heart chakra crystals. They are perfect to work with, hold or put on your bedside table when your heart needs some nurturing after a break up. Rose quartz in particular is known for its ability to heal heart break, encourage self love and attract new love.

2. Letters of Gratitude

Once you’ve done the Heart Chakra Meditation, take your pen and paper or journal. You’re going to write letters of gratitude, but before this next step, state this intention:

I am thankful for each relationship and connection that has made me who I am today. I am grateful for the lessons and growth they brought me. But now I let the past go. I release all the pain and trauma I am holding in my heart. I let go of my insecurity, feelings of rejection and fear of abandonment. So that I can heal, evolve and grow.

If you want to get over a break up with a man, write your first letter of gratitude to your father. Even if you don’t have a good/healthy or loving relationship with him, or even know who he is. I hadn’t seen or heard from my Dad for over 20 years when I wrote my letter to him.

If you want to get over a break up with a woman, write your first letter of gratitude to your mother.

Again, even if you don’t have a good, healthy or loving relationship with her or have been estranged for some time. It doesn’t have to be long, but this first step is so important!

Next, write a letter of gratitude to every one of your ex-partners. Whether you were together for a few weeks, a few years or if it was a “situationship” rather than a relationship.

The title or label isn’t what’s important here, it’s the connection. These letters don’t have to be long, but they should focus on gratitude. What you learned and took from each relationship.

I’ll give you an example below of one of the letters I wrote. You can hold onto your rose quartz or morganite crystal in one hand, or let it sit in your lap while you write these letters.

To (insert name), thank you for teaching me so much and so many lessons in such a short amount of time. Thank you for being my pressure test. Thank you for showing me where the cracks are. Thank you for teaching me about boundaries, signals, signs and self-respect. Thank you for giving me a confidence and ego-boost. Thank you for teaching me how to walk away and draw healthy boundaries, what I will and won’t tolerate, stand for and accept. Thank you for bringing me to my knees and showing me what I needed to work on.

3. Ten Questions

If you do nothing else, or take nothing away from this post, if nothing else resonates with you. Do this one step!

This is the hard work, where the real work is done. But it’s also where the most healing takes place. In the last step you wrote letters to every ex-partner, but this next step is only for the most recent relationship and break up.

Answering these questions alone with help you get over a break up and heal a broken heart. But take your time with them. Let it all out on the page, there are no right or wrong answers.

The questions can also be adjusted to suit your situation if it’s a loss of a friendship, a job, career or dream home. Just switch out the names and pronouns accordingly.

I’ve taken these straight from my own journal, so they are written from a cisgender woman, to a cisgender man. But you can edit the pronouns to whatever applies to you, your situation, relationship or connection and how you identify.

1. What are my fears in regard to (insert name)? Am I afraid that I won’t care as much for someone else as I did for him? Am I afraid that a relationship/connection like that won’t come again?
2. Why am I afraid of losing (insert name)?
3. What’s the worse case scenario, what’s the worst that can happen?
4. What do I think that will do to me?
5. Why is his/her presence so meaningful?
6. Did I allow (insert name) to take a part of me when he/she left or broke up with me?
7. How can I get that part back?
8. Am I holding onto what that relationship with (insert name) could have been, instead of what it actually was? (sometimes the hope and potential of what something could be is far better than the reality of what it is)
9. Why – exactly – did the relationship break down? Why didn’t it work out? What was not cool or okay in this relationship?
10. How can I get let go, get closure and move on?

Once you’ve answered all the questions, you can keep them in your journal if you want. Or you can burn them safely and dispose of the ashes responsibly.

You can make this as meaningful as you want, burning them with the intention of letting it all go under a full moon is a really powerful and potent way to do it.

You can empty the ashes into a river, ocean or the sea to let nature carry them away from you. Or you can simply toss them in the trash without a second thought! Whatever works for you.

4. Affirmations & Mantras

If you’re not familiar with affirmations or mantras, I highly recommend you read Self Love & Spiritual Alchemy by Dani Watson, which is currently available for FREE if you have Kindle Unlimited or £11.11 in paperback.

Also read The Path of Femininity by Eléonore de Posson. I included this in one of my Curl Maven Gift Guides. It’s the most powerful book on manifestation I’ve ever read!

Particularly if you want to manifest a partner or relationship. As it addresses the balance of masculine and feminine (not related to gender, but energy) in a way that I’ve never come across before.

Once you’ve read, or whilst you’re reading those books, write down your affirmations and mantras. I’m going to leave some examples below of what I wrote. Feel free to copy and paste them into your notes app or journal.

Always remember these two things when writing affirmations and mantras: keep it positive, and keep it in the present (tense).

What you write down needs to resonate with you, and what you want for yourself, and in a relationship. Always, always start with yourself. And then move onto other areas in your life such as relationships, friendships, home, career, parenthood, travel etc.

Me Myself & I

I love and accept myself for who I am, right here, right now. 

I lovingly forgive and release all of the past.

I am exactly enough and perfect just the way I am.

I am attractive, desirable and loveable. 

I allow myself to be vulnerable. 

I am my own, unique person.

I know my worth and my power.

I trust my intuition.

My life is full of abundance, wealth, health, happiness, love, laughter, stability and support.

I have a healthy relationship with all my emotions.

I attract miracles, success, love, joy and abundance into my life.

I am compassionate towards myself and others.

I am so happy and completely and deeply fulfilled in all areas of my life.

I am a strong, powerful, smart and intuitive woman.

I can do, be, have and achieve anything I set my mind and intentions to.

My self-worth and self-respect are unshakeable!

I have everything I need, want and wish for, in abundance. 

I am so loved, respected, wanted and appreciated by all those around me.

I love and honour all that I am. Who I was, where I came from, and all I’m becoming.

Relationship:

These affirmations and mantras will look different for everyone, depending on what you need, want, desire and look for in a relationship.

But they need to be based on how you want to feel in that relationship. Feeling is the key to healing, but it’s also the key to manifesting!

So it’s less about what this person will look like, do, own or earn. And more how they make you feel and how being in a healthy, loving, committed and stable relationship with them makes you feel.

I’ll list mine below if you want to copy and paste any that resonate with you and what you want in a relationship. Again, adjust the pronouns to suit the type of person you’re looking for.

I have found the right guy, at the right time, who wants the same things as me. 

I am confident and secure in my new relationship. 

Love and commitment flow effortlessly into my relationship.

I trust that everything is okay. 

Communication, connection and commitment flow into my relationship with effortless ease. 

I am worthy and capable of establishing and maintaining a long-lasting, healthy and deeply fulfilling relationship.

I have a young at heart, emotionally mature soulmate, life partner and husband.

He is tall, strong and attractive. 

He has kind eyes and a cheeky smile, quietly confident with a witty sense of humour.

My soulmate loves and accepts me just the way I am.

He is supportive, affectionate, loving, loyal, committed, generous and kind-hearted. 

My heart is soft, open and trusting, as is his. 

He is emotionally stable and secure. 

I give my heart fully, freely and willingly, as he does his heart to me. 

I am capable of opening up, being vulnerable and expressing my feelings, wants, needs and desires in a relationship. As is he. 

I am in a loving, committed, happy, healthy, stable, secure, supportive and deeply fulfilling romantic and passionate relationship with the man of my dreams.

Co-Create with The Universe

Once you’ve finished writing down your affirmations and mantras, where you’ve basically said, “this is what I’ve come up with. What I can dare to dream, imagine or wish for myself.”

I always find it best to end them by opening it up to the Universe. Essentially co-creating with the Universe and saying, “this or better!” Like this:

The Universe has a plan and has already provided everything I need.

Dear Universe, please give me the tools I need to manifest my goals.

The Universe is bringing all these good things to me, in abundance.

I am worthy of my dreams and capable of manifesting my goals.

The Universe meets all my needs with effortless ease and in divine timing.

I trust that what’s meant to be is bound to happen.

The Universe is supporting me in everything I do, for the good of my highest self and my highest purpose.

And always, always end with saying: Thank you, thank you, thank you! 

*If you don’t feel comfortable saying The Universe, you can say God, or Spirit or whatever you like or whoever you pray to.

5. Learn to Self-Soothe

This last step in how to get over a break up is as important as all the other steps before. When you do hard things, feel all the feelings and emotions, let it all out and let it all go.

You want someone to hug you, hold you and tell you everything is going to be okay. This can often lead to wanting to go out and meet up with friends. Drowning your sorrows in drink, or drugs. Eating your emotions and feelings.

Or trying to find someone else to make you feel better. Whether thats a friend, family member or random stranger you meet at a bar or an online dating app.

Maybe for you it looks like retail therapy, or throwing yourself into exercise and hitting it hard in the gym. These are all distractions, some healthier than others. But all of them will only delay the healing after all the hard work you’ve just done.

Think of it like this, Step 1: Meditation is like prepping for surgery. Steps 2 and 3, the Letters of Gratitude and Ten Questions are where the hard work is really done. That’s the surgery, opening yourself up. Exposing all the pain and hurt of this break up. Letting it all out, cleaning the wound.

Step 4: Affirmations & Mantras is like closing the wound and wrapping yourself in bandages. The things that are going to hold you together and help you stay positive.

But Step 5: Learn to Self-Soothe, this is the time for self-care and rest. To let it all sink in and allow the healing to take place. Just like when you come out of surgery, all wrapped and bandaged up and they tell you to go home and rest, allow the wound to heal.

So once you’ve completed each of the steps, but especially Steps 2 and 3. Don’t rush out the door, or pick up the phone.

This isn’t a time for action, it’s a time for rest. Learn to self-soothe yourself through self-care. Hold space for yourself, look inwards because all the answers you’re looking for are already inside of you.

Some people have never learnt how to do this, even in adulthood. Run yourself a hot bath, you can take your rose quartz crystal in there with you too.

Light some candles, play your favourite music. Cook yourself a nice meal, or order your favourite take-away. Cuddle your pet, snuggle up on the sofa and watch a movie.

If you don’t take the time to do this, you won’t learn how to self-soothe. And you’ll always look outside of yourself for someone, or something, to make you feel better.

There’s no point or benefit to doing all the hard work it takes to get over a break up, if you don’t give yourself the space for the healing to happen.

And it doesn’t have to be for long, one evening! You can give yourself that, you deserve that – and so much more! But take the time you need.

Repeat the meditation and the self-soothing, self-care rituals as many times as you need to put the pieces of your broken heart back together. To feel like yourself again, to move through and move past the pain and get over this break up.

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A quick note, for some people there’s a tendency to seek out psychic mediums, tarot readers and fortune tellers during times of heart break, loss and uncertainty.

I wouldn’t recommend that until you’ve taken the time to do the steps, rituals and the self-healing within this post first. Although I do find oracle cards helpful and comforting. I’ll leave some of my favourite, and the ones featured in the images throughout this post ones below:

• Work Your Light by Rebecca Campbell
• The Starseed Oracle by Rebecca Campbell
• Inquire Within by Kristen Drozdowski
• The Mantras by Roxie Nafousi

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I truly hope this post helps you find the healing you need and the love you deserve.

And I believe that you can. Please remember, you’re stronger than you think you are and more powerful than you believe.

I’d absolutely love to know what you thought of this post, and the tips, advice, practical exercises and rituals I’ve shared.

Did you do them? What did you find the most healing or powerful? Let me know if you’d like to see more of this kind of self-care and holistic wellness content on the blog. Gabriella xo

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